17 and Confused

Seventeen is definitely not your normal age to have lived in a different country for 9 months and to have created a whole new life for yourself. Nor is it the age to have to say goodbye.

I'm still astonished at how fast 9 months has all of the sudden turned into 13 days. I remember the 15th of September as thought it was yesterday. Me sitting all by myself in my room, preparing to leave and trying to soak up everything, have it become a part of me so that I would always have a bit of home for when the times got rough. I remember picking my sister up from school and us all eating lunch in the car while driving down to Boston. And then came the goodbye... I remember it seeming easier for me to say goodbye than it was for them, although deep down, pieces were falling apart. I remember me being the strongest 16 year old self I could be when I watched my life walk out the door, and a new one waiting for me in the room right behind me. And that's when it all began...

Now here I am so close to seeing my family, yet so far away from everything. It is scary to think of what is to come, and the worst part is that I have no idea where I stand emotionally, I am totally and utterly lost. I don't know if I want to be there or if I want to be here. One moment here the next there. I want one thing from here and another from there. I want people from here and people from there. I feel as though I'm lost somewhere in outer space, with my life flying towards me at top speed, yet I'm just struggling to get rid of the blind fold and figure out what I want.

I am 100% lost in an emotional battle...

Until The Dawn

I've lived in Spain for a little over 8 months now and up until Thursday night I had never been to a discoteca. I guess that might have something to do with the fact that I choose to swim this year, and also that I'm under age. Everything is Spain begins 3 years earlier than things back home.
When you think of a Thursday night, what do you see? Of course the answer is going to be different for everyone depending on the age, however for me, when I think of Thursday I don't think of taking a nap at 9pm and heading out in a dress and heels around 12pm. When in Spain do as the Spaniards do!
I have to say I've never really been to a huge party at all so I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I definitely was not disappointed. Since the end of the school year is arriving, the "seniors" are finishing up school and Thursday night was the graduation and then of course the after party, which was what I went to. I went with a couple people from swimming and met up with some girls on the team who were also graduating.
The discoteca was a big dark room just beating with music. It was fantastic to just throw everything away and just dance. Just let loose and be yourself.
I arrived home around 6:30am. Of course I was tired, but there is something about being free that lifts everything off your shoulders and your just you.

With my last few weeks ahead of me, I'm just trying to live here and now, not try and pull away which is turning out to be very difficult. I just want to leave without having to say goodbye, because I know that is going to be the hardest part...